Sunday, March 31, 2013

Day 26 of boot camp

For starters, Happy Easter! This Sunday I had to work. I was there from 11 - 5, nervous the whole time waiting to see if Matt would call while I wasn't able to answer. Luckily, that wasn't the case - but, un luckily he didn't call at all. All the girls I talked to didn't get calls actually, which is quite surprising considering it's the end of "red phase" and Easter Sunday! I must admit, I'm just glad I didn't miss the call. As I said before, I would beat myself up if I didn't answer his phone call. Anyways, work wasn't the best today. I ended up having a little break down, during so I reminded myself I don't have Matt close by or a phone call away to make me feel better. That made me feel even worse. Let's just say I was beyond happy to get out of there. I drove straight to my grandmothers house after I left, and spent some short, but nice time with family. Now I'm sitting on the couch, watching a cooking show. I've given up on any chances of a phone call tonight, so I can finally relax without jumping every time my phone makes a noise. I just realized I haven't heard Matt's voice, or seen him face to face in almost a month - I never imagined I'd be strong enough to get through this without being completely depressed. I'm surprising myself with my strength, and I like it!
Tip of the day: Don't underestimate yourself. You're stronger than you think, I guarantee that!
Stay strong, and stay positive!

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Day 25 of boot camp

Today I had to pleasure of seeing another picture of Matt posted on the website! This one was a good one too, a close up of his beautiful smiling face! It still brings tears of joy, and slight sadness to my eyes with every picture I find of him. Joy, because I love him and miss seeing him almost every day, and sadness, because I love him and miss him so much. I believe they will be allowed a phone call tomorrow. Sadly, I have to work and I am stressing out hoping I won't miss his call! The anxiety is eating me alive! I sent him a letter letting him know my hours this Sunday, but who knows if he got it in time. I know I will beat myself up if I  miss his call, I just hope he waits till after 5 if he does get the chance to call. The day went by fast, again, and also again I am so glad. I suppose overall it was a good day, I even got a new dress in the mail. My day was pretty un eventful though, the bulk of it was taken up by work. Tomorrow will most likely be the same - un eventful, and mostly taken up by work. I'm praying and praying I don't get a phone call while I'm working, I will feel so horrible, even know I know it's not my fault. Ahhh I suppose I should sleep and try not to worry so much, but sometimes worry is just my middle name - I can't help it.
Tip of the day: Try not to worry - haha. I think for the most part, we cannot control what happens. Especially when you're with someone who is in the military. Don't stress over the little things, it will all be okay in the end. For example, I know Matt won't hate me if I miss his phone call - when he finds out why he will understand, he's an understanding guy. Just hope for the best, and take each hit as it comes.
Stay positive!

Friday, March 29, 2013

Day 24 of boot camp

Wow, time really is flying by. I love it! This week is already over, but it feels like it just begun. I'm not complaining though! The faster time goes by, the faster I will be reunited with my future hubby!! I'm getting more and more excited as time gets closer, I've even started dreaming about it haha. I haven't gotten much sleep this past week. I've either been too stressed to sleep, or it just takes me forever! I am REALLY looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow morning - typical college student right? Up late, sleep in as much as possible. I've calmed my nerves, and I'm hoping to get back on my regular sleep schedule now. I'll be busy for the rest of this weekend, so I guess that's good. Although I'd rather be with my family on Easter than working. That's life though, and I don't have a choice. I may be able to make it there later, but who knows. That's one thing I'll LOVE about being a teacher - no work on holidays like Easter and Christmas eve! I wish I could fast forward through college and get to that point in my life, but I suppose it's for the best that I enjoy it while it lasts. I only have 2.5 years left and that's not bad at all. I really can't believe how fast time is going by, it's so surprising to me! At first, I thought the days would take forever and that I would be sadly walking through life lonely, and empty while waiting to see Matt again. I am so happy to find that this isn't the case at all. Yes, I do feel half empty without Matt here with me, but at the same time I feel so close to him. The separation is hard, but livable. Knowing that he loves me so much, and that I love him so much (more) makes this so much easier to deal with. It won't be long till we're reunited again, at least not long compared to forever - and forever is what I will be spending with him. I've heard there is someone for everyone, and I am more than confident that Matt is my someone, and I am his.
Tip of the day: Keep busy busy busy and time will go by FAST! I promise! Stay strong and positive! Remember, this time is nothing compared to forever!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Day 23 of boot camp

Today was a "blah" day. You know what I mean? You just feel like a slug inside and out, and you can't seem to feel emotion about anything. That's how I felt for the most part of today. After school I went home, and worked out ... that seemed to fix my blahness! Later on I randomly started thinking of some of the things Matt wrote in his letter to me, and found myself uncontrollably smiling. That's a nice feeling - to smile uncontrollably. Sometimes, when I really stop and think about where my life is at the moment I am surprised. I can't believe I'm engaged to the most amazing man I've ever met in my life. He's in the army, I'll be finishing school soon, and then we will get married. I'm going to marry him. That is just so AWESOME to me. I am young, but I don't feel as young as I am. I feel like I'm in my mid 20's or something. Not like that is a bad thing, though. At least it's not a bad thing to me. I like being more mature. I feel like I get more out of life that way. I think more clearly, and make better decisions that will eventually benefit my future. - Sounds good to me! Maybe some would say that I'm missing out on being a kid, and doing things such as partying, and making tons of friends. That isn't fun to me though. I have no desire to go out and do those things, I'd rather work on making my future more enjoyable while I'm finishing up something I'm not too fond of, and by that I mean college haha! Maybe I'm boring, maybe I'm not... I think I'm pretty cool (not to sound conceited or anything), and that's all that maters right?!
Tip of the day: Take a step back and look at your life. Think about your future. Do you like what you see? If so, "keep on keeping on" as they say. And if not, maybe you should re-evaluate what you're doing and make some changes. There is no point in being un-happy with your life, you can always change for the better. I, for one, am extremely happy with my life. Even while missing my best friend and fiance terribly! He can make me happy  from miles away, and that's how I am 100% positive I'm on the right track in my life :)
Stay positive! You're getting closer and closer as each day passes by!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Day 22 of boot camp

I GOT A LETTER TODAY!!!! I went out, and came home before heading to Matt's house for dinner tonight to check the mail. I grabbed the pile out of the mail box as I drove by and sat there to quickly search through my handful. Sure enough, I found a letter! My stomach immediately filled with butterflies and my heart began to beat faster and faster. My hands were trembling, and I could feel the ginormous smile spread across my face like peanut butter on a sandwich. I drove to my driveway, turned off the car, pushed my seat back and opened the lovely envelope shaking in my grip. Once again, Matt's sweet words filled my head as my eyes scanned across each line. Tears fell from my big brown eyes as I read. It is so obvious that he loves me so much. He spoke of our future together, and how he can't wait to be with me again, and how much he misses me. I can even feel a smile pealing open on my face as I write about this. I just can't even describe how truly happy I am. My heart flutters at the thought of Matt, as if it could fly right out of my chest and dance in the sky above me, and it is just the best feeling in the world. There's nothing like the feeling of being in love, while being loved back. It is just one of those things you simply have to feel for yourself, there is no explaining it. On with my day now. After reading the letters I drove to Matt's and found his mother got a letter too! It was wonderful! It was so nice to see her smile as she read his words. He is so loved, and I hope he knows it! We all then went to pick up their new car, a black jeep, from his grandparents house. While there I had the pleasure of showing his grandmother pictures of Matt all dressed up in his uniform. Soon after we left, and went out to dinner. I had a nice and fattening philly cheese steak - my favorite. Then I came home, and here I am typing away. I will finish up some letters to Matt and put them in the mail for him to receive hopefully very soon. I can't wait for my next letter!
Tip of the day: Go out and do something for yourself, see family, see friends, whatever! Just go out! It's better than sitting at home. My day flew by and now it's almost the end of the week!
Stay positive!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Random thoughts

You know when you tell someone " I don't want to live without you " ? Well, now that I can say I've kinda lived without Matt the past 3 weeks, I can definitely say I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM. It's not like I've really lived without him, because he is always with me in my heart, whether he knows it or not. It's not like I don't have this beautiful engagement ring on my finger. It's not like he's not always in my thoughts, and prayers, and hopes. It's not like his smell doesn't linger on his shirts and sweatshirts that I've taken captive. It's not like the beautiful pictures of him, and he and I together plastered all over my room don't remind me of our love every day. But in a way, I have been living without him. I've been living without his voice, his touch, his words, his prescience - and let me say, I don't like it! So, I know for a fact that I do not want to live without Matthew Vollmer. I'm not just a girl who says this while still seeing her boyfriend every week. I'm a girl saying this, who hasn't seen her boyfriend in almost a month. So, I think I'm pretty sincere in saying I don't want to live without him. I think people dream of having this sort of love for some one, I know I used to. How lucky am I to be able to say I am head over heels, truly, madly, deeply in love with my dream guy? I don't know the exact answer to this question, but I'd say I'm pretty damn lucky. The time apart is no doubt the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, but when I take a step back and evaluate my situation, It's no big deal. So what if we have to spend months apart when we get to spend forever together. That fact is what is keeping me so strong, and so positive. I get to spend forever with him! - a few months or even a year won't kill me. And like the saying; What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

Day 21 of boot camp

Wow, day 21 already?! That's 3 weeks now. 3 weeks is almost a month. and a month is almost 2 months and 2 months means I will be seeing Matt super soon! Maybe I'm pushing it a little, but a little exaggeration never killed anybody (I don't think). Still waiting on a letter from Matt! I had my sister text me when she got the mail and let me know whether I got a letter or not. This way I wouldn't be anxiously waiting and day dreaming during my evening class. So, instead I was disappointed and then able to really pay attention to the extremely boring protestant reformation video we watched in class before reading excerpts from William Tyndale's bible. I bet you got bored just by reading that above sentence, didn't you? Anyways, I spent the bulk of my day alone. After my education class in the morning I took a trip to the mall. By myself. I bought my younger sister a dress for Easter  and then bought myself some new clothes too. They were having a buy one, get one 1/2 off sale... I had to. I have 3.5 hours to kill between my first class and the remainder of my classes for the day, so after shopping I grabbed my history notes and sat, alone again, in Starbucks with a chocolate banana smoothie - which was kind of weird. As time got closer to 3:00 I packed up my things and drove back to FCC for the rest of my day. After class I got a text message from Matt's mother asking me to come watch her younger son for a little while tonight. I gladly did just that. We all had dinner together, then Jesse and I jump roped, listened to random songs that he had me guess the artist to, and made fun of the show Hard Core Pawn .. or something like that. I headed home around 10:20 pm, and once again did some pilates before bed. It sure does relieve some stress, and hurt my muscles. It's a good hurt though, a getting stronger hurt. So, I'm getting stronger on the outside and inside now.
Tip for the day: Find something that distracts you, and keep doing it. Whether it be working out, reading, seeing friends, or family. Anything! It will help the time go by faster, and keep you happy instead of worrisome  lonely, and sad. Now, I'm not saying you won't feel these things sometimes, because - I'm not going to lie to you - you definitely will feel them. Maybe you'll feel them every single day, but if you keep yourself distracted then you won't feel them for long and you'll be able to keep moving  on with your day.
Stay positive! 3 weeks has flown by for me - I'm sure it will for you too!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Day 20 of bootcamp

Today was a snow day. Yes, a snow day in March. Don't get me wrong, I like snow ... in the winter. It's spring now, and I don't really think it should be snowing in spring. The snow ended up ruining my plans with Lindsey, and I laid in bed for hours after waking up. I finally got up after my sister came down stairs to tell me we had to shovel the driveway. We took our dog, a small poodle, out with us. He absolutely loved it out there. Every time we shoveled snow and tossed it into the yard he would chase after it. That brightened my mood a bit, but I couldn't help but think how much fun Matt would have had running around with my dog in the yard. He always chases him around the house and outside. I should stop thinking about that, it makes me miss him more. Afterwards, I finished up some letters to Matt then Morgan, my sister, and I went out for lunch. I treated of course. It was fun, I must admit. We stopped by Walmart and got a red-box movie too. After dropping my letter off at the post office we went home to watch Argo. While we were watching the movie the mail came. I hurried outside in the snow to once again find no letter from Matt. This no hearing from Matt thing is really bumming me out. I want to cry every time I walk away from the mailbox without a letter from him in my hands. I don't cry though, I just push it into the back of my head and pretend I'm okay. I spent the rest of the evening sitting on that couch again. And now I'm laying in bed, which is not much better. I plan on doing some pilates before showering and headed off to bed tonight. Maybe that will get some endorphins pumping and my mood will be lifted a little bit. I don't have much to say, as I am feeling down tonight. Like I said, hopefully this workout helps.
Tip for the day: Try working out, getting some exercise in might help to make you feel better! Anything is worth a try right? It will help to keep you busy too, so you won't lay in bed staring at nothing while thinking of your loved one, as I was doing a couple minutes ago. Don't let yourself do that... that's not going to help anything. Stay positive!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Day 19 of boot camp

Day 19.
I woke up early, and headed off to work. Surprisingly we were VERY busy for a Sunday morning. The busy schedule definitely kept me busy, so I have to be thankful for that. I suppose being busy is better than sitting and thinking of how badly I wish I could be spending my Sunday morning with Matt. I got home around 2:30 pm and have pretty much spent the remainder of my day sitting on the couch, where I am still comfortably lounging right now. I got some homework out of the way, this way I can spend time with my friend, Lindsey, tomorrow instead of worrying about homework. Spending time with friends should definitely help me to feel better, instead of me sitting at home alone. Not that I'm dissing alone time, because frankly I'd almost always rather be alone now a days. Maybe that's good, maybe that's bad. I do think I should learn to be more independent though, I won't always have Matt around while he's in the Army, and I have to be able to do things on my own. I think I'm doing good so far, I'm lonely, and I miss him more than anything, but maybe I'll get better at all this. I suppose that is something I will just have to wait and see the outcome of. Seems like there's a lot of waiting, but Matt is beyond worth it. I'd do anything for him, and I will do anything for us. It's almost been 3 weeks now, and you know what, it is going by fast... just like everyone said it would. I mean, I still have a while to go, but I think I'll survive.
Tip of the day: Relax. Take a day, or as much of the day as you can, and just relax. Maybe take a hot bath, watch your favorite movie, drink some hot tea or coffee, listen to music etc. etc. Do whatever relaxes you. You got to take a day for yourself every once in a while, and like I said, relax. Stay positive!

Day 18 of boot camp

Day 18 started off fine. I woke up, took a shower till the water ran cold, sat in bed for a while, finally got dressed, went to the bank, and then got a manicure. I think the day turned for the worst after the manicure, when as soon as my nails were done "drying" I smeared my thumb nail. I blew that off, and headed to DD to treat myself to a coffee. I went to go through the drive through and found it to be blocked off with caution tape. I blew that off too. I went home, looking forward to some coffee there. The pot was empty and I didn't want to make a new one. So, I sat on the couch and watched the Kardashians for a long while. I eventually made myself get up and change for work. While getting ready I would periodically peek through the blinds to see if our mail man had come by yet. No sign. After I was ready for the rest off my day I sat in the room that is labeled as the "library" in my house - no books in this room btw. Anyways, I sat in there and wrote another letter to Matt. As I was writing the mail finally arrived. I hurried out to find no letter from Matt, again. I assume I will not receive another until he receives my many... But I will continue to anxiously await the mail man every day, I can guarantee that. I got my things together and slowly made my way out the door, feeling like a zombie with a headache. I tossed my letter into the big blue tin at the post office and drove to work with the plainest expression possible spread across my wide Lithuanian face. Work was hectic as soon as I stepped through the door. It was great! Yes, I'm being sarcastic. The night went on fine. My headache remained in its place - smack dab in the middle of my head. Towards the end of the night I made a mistake, got yelled at for it, then got apologized to. But I was still sad from the getting yelled at part. I wanted nothing more to see Matt directly after work, but I could not. So I got teary-eyed and held back those silly tears for 15 minutes, knowing I could and would break down as soon as I shut and locked my car door. And that is exactly what happened. I drove home crying and missing my fiancé. The tears finally stopped when I arrived at DD once again and finally got my coffee. I drove to Matt's house and ate pizza and watched movies with his family. It was a good end to a bad day. And I thank God that I am so close with them.
Tip for the day: If you feel like crying - cry. But do it when you're by yourself. And you probably shouldn't be driving when you do so. But hey, you can't choose the time and place when the water works start. Don't try and bottle up your feelings, tough people cry too. And believe me, you're plenty tough enough for keeping sane while missing your loved one. I give myself credit for keeping my sanity while Matt's away. That man is my best friend, and the person I will spend the rest of my life with. This is HARD, and I think I'm allowed to cry now and then, and you are too!
Stay positive! You're another day closer!

Friday, March 22, 2013

Day 17 of boot camp

Day 17 - that's almost 20. And 20 is kind of a lot. It's gone by (sort of) fast so far. I think that makes about 50 something days left. That's livable. I've surprisingly found a lot of support from the girls at work. The more support the better! School starts back up next week, and that will be sure to keep me busier. I've come to realize by reading other posts on the page connected to the fort Matt is located at that our loved ones probably haven't received our letters yet. I hope Matt doesn't think we're all not writing him! Hopefully he remembers that it's called "snail mail" for a reason. I was told by a fellow army fiance friend that her fiance started receiving her mail at week 3 - that's next week, so I'm REALLY hoping he gets my letters then! Today was a slightly dreary day for me. I spent the morning helping my best friend get ready to celebrate her anniversary with her boyfriend. This of course made me miss Matt even more. I think she must have noticed my sad mood, because she ended up treating me to lunch. Very sweet of her. I'm lucky to have such nice friends. Julie, my best friend, told me that before Matt left he sent her a text telling her to take care of his Maddie while he's gone. I feel like a little girl getting all excited about him calling me "his Maddie", but it does make me so happy and excited. I feel so lucky that my dream guy loves me :). No more letters from Matt so far, leaving me wondering and longing to know how he is. I'm sure I'll be waiting for the mail like a crazy person until I get another letter, and when I say I'm "sure" I will - I mean I definitely 100% will be. As I drove around today I found myself day dreaming of holding Matt's hand. I miss holding his hands. That is one of the things, among many others, that I appreciate so much more now. It's so simple - to hold someones hand, but It's also one of the best feelings in the world. I can't wait to be reunited with that wonderful, comforting, safe feeling once again.

Let's see, a tip for today... Keep your head up, even when you're feeling down. Yes, some days life "sucks" and you can't help but feel down, but try to think of the positive in all of this. For example, the fact that your significant other is in the military will most likely help to ensure a more secure future for the both of you. You're life will approximately last about 80 years. The time apart from your loved one is probably nothing compared to the rest of your lives. Stay positive!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Day 16 of boot camp

I woke up from a dream about Matt this morning, and found myself squeezing my eyes back shut, trying to fall back asleep. It's been over 2 weeks since I last saw him, let alone had a conversation with him, and I just wanted to see his face and hear his voice once more before having to start my day. About 30 minutes later I  woke up for good, and drug myself out of bed. I headed up the stairs to sit on the couch and write another letter to Matt. While sitting there the movie Escape from New York came on tv. The first time I was ever introduced to this movie was with Matt. I felt the need to watch it, like watching it would make me feel closer to Matt, but at the same time watching it made me want to cry and turn it off. I ended up watching it - kind of. I left at the beginning to mail a letter, and came back to watch the ending. After I mailed the letters I drove slowly back home. I was stopped at a red light, and that got me started thinking. Thinking really sucks sometimes. Thinking makes you realize things, things you maybe didn't want to realize. I realized that I mostly walk through day by day - not exactly apart of reality. I'm here, yes, but I'm not really here. Do you know what I mean? I just don't really think of what my life is most of the time, because then I won't get sad when realizing I still have about 6 months till Matt comes home. Of course while sitting at this red light, I was thrown into reality, forced to do that horrible thing - think - once again. I wonder what my younger self would have thought if I could go back and tell her what her life would be like right now. I think she'd be happy, scared, excited... all of the things that I am right now. This life isn't so bad (so far) haha. But really, it isn't so bad. Yes, I miss Matt, and I feel lonely sometimes, and I feel sad sometimes, but overall I'm mostly happy. Hey, how many people can say they are engaged to be married to the guy they've loved since their freshman year of high school? My guess is not many. And then how many of those girls can say that guy is going to be a kick ass army soldier. Once again, my guess is not many. I like that I can type my way into a better mood. If you ever feel sad - write. Maybe it will help you too.
Tip of the day: don't stop yourself from thinking all the time. I know it's easier to simply not think about the things that make you sad, but sometimes, if you think enough, you'll find that it isn't as bad as you thought.
Stay positive!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Day 15 of boot camp

Alrighty. Day 15. I spent the morning sleeping, and then I forced myself up and took a shower. I drank some coffee and talked with my mom for a while before sealing up a letter to Matt and heading off to the post office. After the post office I treated myself to some shopping at Tj Maxx - I bought an awesome box to hold all of Matt's letters in and other things that may be sent my way throughout the years, and then I did some grocery shopping for my mother, and had a much needed hilarious conversation with my friend Cody. I used to work at the grocery store so he caught me up on everything that was going on there. After all of that I headed back home and patiently (or un-patiently) waited for the mail. As soon as it arrived I ran out there and checked for a letter from Matt. Nothing today, but there's always tomorrow! I wonder if he's even gotten any of my letters yet. I sure hope he has, I know they will be a good pick - me - up for him while he's working hard and missing everyone back home. I cannot wait till May comes around.. I miss my best friend and fiance more than anything. At first I felt so lonely, like a piece of me was ripped out and left gaping when Matt left, but the letters from him mended that hole. Not completely, it won't be fixed until Matt and I are together face to face again, but it filled it a little at least. I no longer felt alone. I knew Matt was right here with me, and I get that feeling every time I go back and read those letters. I only hope for more so maybe the hole in me will  be mended by his sweet words. This evening I went out to dinner with Matt's mom and little brother, then we stopped by pier 1 - and guess what ... I bought more! Shopping really is like therapy sometimes, I swear. I found 2 unique coasters ( I love coasters ), a candle, and a little green harmonica for Matt! I cannot wait to give it to him!! I know he's going to love it! - A while back he came upon a harmonica in my basement and attempted to play it. Maybe now he can really learn how! The week is close to being over; it went by fast just as I initially predicted.
Tip of the day: This may sound bad - but go shop. Go buy yourself something fun! - Like blue and black polka dotted pants as I did today. And if not for yourself, buy something for your significant other! I'm sure it will make you happy knowing they will be happy to receive whatever it is you bought them. I advise you not to do this shopping therapy thing all the time though - that will most likely end bad.
Stay positive!

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Day 14 of boot camp

I cannot even begin to describe how ecstatic I am that it has already been 2 weeks! And what makes it even better is that I know this week will go by fast too! Soon it will be 3 weeks down, and 7 to go! The speed in which this time is going by is great! Maybe the first week will be the slowest, I guess we will just have to wait and see if that stands true as time goes on. I've spent my whole day writing a big paper for my British Lit class, and watching crime shows. I've been spending some quality time with myself lately, which is probably a good thing, but I've come to the conclusion that I like myself a whole lot better when I'm with Matt ha-ha  I guess it's a good thing I'm going to marry him then, huh? No mail from my guy today, but I'm hoping and hoping I get some more letters soon! - they gave me so much strength and happiness when I received them, and I want that feeling of pure happiness back! If you're new to this, PLEASE make sure you guys write letters! They will really help you both during this time apart I promise! Tonight I find myself slightly sad while thinking of how much I miss Matt, but I must push that sadness aside. Of course, it is always there, but I mustn't let it take over me. Instead of sitting here and mindlessly thinking for hours, I try to focus my mind on something else. For example, homework, a movie, a tv show, going out, seeing friends or family... ect! Try to keep your thoughts happy rather than sad. Yes, I miss Matt more than anything else in the world, but good  news... I will see him again (kind of) soon! It's better to waste this time apart being happy rather than being sad - at least that's what I think.
Tip of the day: As I said above, try to think happier thought instead of sad ones. When the wait is over, wouldn't you rather of spent it being hopeful and happy, rather than sad and gloomy?
Stay positive! You're one day closer!

Monday, March 18, 2013

Day 13 of boot camp

My day began with a meeting at my community college. We discussed what I will need to do in order to graduate and transfer to Towson. Everything is in line, and I'm all set to do the things that need to be done. After that, I mailed some letters to Matt and then went shopping with my two best friends and my god daughter. I found the perfect shoes to go with my dress that I will be wearing to Matt's BCT graduation! How exciting right? I came home and waiting for the mail to arrive. I went out as soon as it got here, and guess what.. I got another letter! I ran back inside like a child chasing after the ice cream truck. My heart was beating so hard I thought it might explode with excitement. I dropped the rest of the mail on the table and ripped open the small white envelope. One letter was inside this time. Matt asked me not to call Fort Jackson anymore.. funny thing about this is that I never called there.. ever.. the thought never crossed my mind to call. I know calling would be completely useless and would most likely end up in him getting in trouble. He then explained he did in fact get in trouble. This makes me so mad! Did the Army tell him I called?! Did they lie to him just to mess with him?! Lucky for me Matt wasn't too mad about me supposedly calling and getting him into trouble. He told me he loves me, even if I'm a little bit crazy. haha. I quickly wrote a letter back explaining that I truly did not call. Hopefully he receives my letter soon. I'm still so confused and angry as to why he was told that I called. I don't know why he would be lied to about that, it makes absolutely no sense to me! But then again, I don't know much about the Army so who knows if they would do such a thing. I spent the rest of my night watching a movie with my best friend while she on and off fell asleep. I left to go home after the movie was over and immediately climbed into bed. A storm of sadness fell over me and I laid into my pillow and cried. I miss Matt so much, especially on crappy rainy days as today was. I just want to be able to talk to him whenever I need him, but I can't, and it absolutely SUCKS. I took that negative energy and began to write. Shortly after I started writing the tears dried up, and I feel at least a little better. I'm trying so hard each day to take my own advice and stay positive, but some days it is just so hard. I think we're all allowed a couple days to be sad though; how will we know we're alive without all of these emotions?
So, tip for the day: If you're feeling sad, be sad! Cry, let it out. But then you must pick yourself back up. Crying and being sad happens to all of us, but it will get you no where. So, as I said, let it out, but then put yourself back on your feet and keep on marching on. The pain and sadness won't last forever unless you don't give yourself a chance to get back up after falling down. Stay positive!

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Day 12 of boot camp

Day 12! Wow, it's almost been two weeks now -  it seems like just yesterday it was only one week. Time is really flying by, not that it bothers me any! I love it! The more time flies by, the faster I can see the love of my life! This morning I woke up after a long sleep on the couch at Matt's house. I was surprised at how late I slept in. His mom and I sat and drank coffee while talking about random, yet interesting things. Matt's little brother woke up, or better yet, was made to wake up shortly after. He grabbed some breakfast and we all sat and talked a little longer before he and I went outside to play a game of "HORSE" with the basket ball (I'm sure we all remember that game). I beat him the first time, and then he figured out an angle where I could never make it from. He continued to shoot from that spot, and I ended up losing just in time to leave so that I could shower before work. I gathered my things, hugged his mom goodbye then drove home to get ready for the rest of my day. I showered and put on my face, then dressed in green attire for the evening. It's St. Patrick's day and I was NOT in the mood to get pinched (I'm never in the mood to get pinched actually). I got to work and to my surprise I was working with my best friend tonight. That's definitely a perk of working there, my best friend is almost always a couple steps away if I need her. Work ended and I got home in time for a quick dinner before finishing my last homework assignment for my online class. I found my self very distracted tonight though. I cannot get Matt off my mind long enough to focus on a single word. I had to pause my homework and write a sappy love letter to him (don't worry though - I did end up finishing the homework). I literally felt overwhelmed with love, thoughts of him, and images of him floating through my head. My heart felt flooded like it was actually overflowing with admiration and happiness. I'm definitely not complaining though, it's one of the best feelings in the world. "It" meaning the feeling of being in love. Some people say they don't know what love is, and some people say someone my age is too young to know what love is. I must disagree with them though. I'm no fool, I know what love is, and I know what the feeling of love is. I feel it every second of every day that I am with Matt. At first I was terrified of the idea of Matt being gone for so long, and of what the future would hold for us. I am the type of person who likes to plan things out, and in this case things stands for everything. In the Army there isn't much planning though. Matt will go wherever they tell him to go, whenever they tell him to go, and I will most definitely not have time to plan for that. I am feeling more and more comfortable as time goes by though. To my surprise I stay relatively calm and collected whenever I think of all the unexpected things that are bound to happen in the next 4 years he is in the Army. Instead of having a breakdown of tears, and fear of what is to come, I find myself welcoming it. This is my life now, I have to start getting used to it at some point. I know Matt loves me, and as long as I have his love there is nothing else in the world that I need.
Tip of the day: If feeling overwhelmed, try writing. Maybe that only helps me because I am a writer at heart, but it's worth a shot. Take time to think of what life has in store for you in these upcoming years. Do not cry or fear though, tell yourself to accept it. It's not going to kill you, and it's not going to last forever - That I can promise you. Stay positive!

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Day 11 of BootCamp

Today before leaving the house my dad walked in holding an envelope. That's right.... A LETTER FROM MATT! I quickly grabbed the letter from my dads grip and with shaky hands ripped it open. Three pages filled with what he calls his "chicken scratch" were folded up in this one envelope. I stood in the kitchen in front of my mother and younger sister reading each letter, and saying out loud the words that meant the most to me. I could feel the smile stretched across my mouth and the warm tears streaming down my cheeks. I really don't think I've ever been so happy before. I definitely was not expecting a letter, and just reading his name in the top left corner made my stomach roll with butterflies that crawled up to my heart, making it flutter with pure joy and love. Matt is the sweetest man on earth, and I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. I'm so happy I get to spend the rest of my life with him. I am spending the night with Matt's family tonight, watching movies and hanging out. I am so glad to have them as my family now. My life is great and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Tip if the day: I'm not very sure actually, like I've said before.. Spend time with family! Spend time with your significant other's family. They miss him or her too! And spending time with them will most definitely make you feel better. It makes me feel a whole lot better at least! Stay positive! Everything gets better eventually!

Day 10 of bootcamp

Sorry I didn't blog last night! I was tired, but I'm here now so it's okay! I promised myself I would not miss a day while he's in BCT. Good news! I got to see more pictures of our future soldiers. I found a couple with Matt too! My heart completely melts every time I see him. Obviously it doesn't actually melt, but it sure feels that way. My stomach filled with butterflies every picture I found, and my eyes swelled with tears of joy. I can't imagine what I will do when I finally see him in person. I get excited just thinking about it!! Yesterday was my last day of classes before spring break. Spring break is just like a regular week for me, except I will be saving gas by not driving out to Frederick. I have a paper to write, and I may as well get started on  my other future projects! Why not, right? I'm sure that will keep me busy enough throughout the week. Instead of staring at my phone every night waiting for a phone call from Matt, I have graduated to checking the mail a couple times every day to see if I have received a letter. No letter yet! Just my tax returns, and a book about how to lively up the classroom (since I want to be a teacher). I will admit I plan to pay close attention to my phone every Sunday though. It is my understanding that Sunday's are their days off  - so maybe one of these Sundays he will get the opportunity to call! - and I'm not missing that! I can't believe I haven't seen or talked to or heard from Matt in so long. It's actually not that long, but it seems long to me. It scares me to think after these 2 long months of waiting and longing to see him - I will - but then I have to say goodbye again, and this time for FOUR MONTHS. A week is hard enough for me! But maybe we will get to talk more when the second half of his training comes along, and I know that will help me a lot! It's just so hard to see these couples walking around, holding hands, smiling, being happy. Sometimes I feel a little resentment towards them, but most of the time I smile while my heart frowns, for I wish I could be doing those things with my fiance like we used to. But seeing people in love makes me happy - it's quite a beautiful thing you know. After my wave of sadness I pick myself back up and continue doing whatever I was originally doing until I was distracted. It's my job to stay strong while he's off being strong. I gladly take on this job every day, and I will gladly take on this job every day to come for the rest of my life. I'm a tough cookie, always have been. I know in my heart and in my mind that I'm the right girl for this career.

Tip of the day: Think of the happy things. I'm sure we all see couples out there happy as can be. Sometimes you may hate their guts, without even knowing what their first name starts with. That's okay, I'm sure that's normal - maybe ;). But think, you've got a man! A man that loves you, and he's 10 times cooler than that other girls man. You know what, chances are you're cooler than her too! There's not too many women out there that can go through a long period of time without seeing the man they are in love with and keep strong and positive! So be sad for a second, but then think - you will see them again and you will get to be that cute, happy couple that other people envy when you walk by. Don't forget that through this hard time!

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Day 9 of bootcamp

The lonely feeling is not subsiding so far, nor do I think it ever will. We still never got a phone call, and I don't think we will. I've officially given up hoping - I think haha. School went by fast today, I barely remember it actually. Then there was the Whiskey Dinner tonight at Brick Ridge. I did not have much to do, but it was fun to spend time with friends! Plus I got good free Irish food! I've started getting rid of clothes I do not wear anymore. I'm shoving them all into garbage bags and will eventually give them to Goodwill. This will keep my mind busy, and give me way more room to store my clothes! I'm hoping for a letter soon, or  some sort of contact with Matt. It's extremely difficult to see your fiance almost every single day, and then not even hear a peep from him for over a week. I miss him more than ANYTHING! Sometimes I don't even know what to do with myself, and then I remember there's nothing I can do. I just have to wait. And so that's what I do. I wait. And I will continue to wait for as long as it takes. Throughout this whole process there is a lot of things I do not know. But there is one thing I do know; I love that man  more than my own life and I'm willing to do anything if it means spending the rest of my life with him. That's why this whole thing feels so hard, yet easy at the same time. This is the hardest thing that I've ever had to do before actually, but at the same time it's so simple. I love him so much, and loving him is the easiest thing I've ever done - so that's what makes this simple. I'm doing it (waiting for my heart to come back with barely any contact while waiting) because I love him - and that is easy. So this is easy, while at the same time hard. Does that make any sense? I'm not sure if I'm explaining it correctly, but I know what I mean so I guess that's all that matters. It's hard to put feelings into words, but at least I gave it a shot, right? I suppose I will finish up this post now. Tip of the day: Keep busy!! My day flew by and I didn't even really realize it! Which is a wonderful feeling when you're anticipating a certain date a while away!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Day 8 of bootcamp

My day started off very hectic, and I wanted nothing more than to call my fiance and tell him all about it. I could not do this though, resulting in me becoming even more upset. I eventually got over it and was fine for the rest of my morning. I got home and changed out of my nice clothes into comfy clothes and watched TV until it was time to head over to Matt's house. Tonight Matt's mom, his litter brother, and I planned a day to go out and have fun. We went out to dinner, got a free desert, then shopped around at Marshalls. I actually had a lot of fun, and I plan to make it a weekly tradition. His family is like my family now and I definitely want to stay close. Tonight I am staying the night and will be sleeping in Matt's bed. I'm a little scared I will get emotional and cry (I'm tired of crying), but it will also be nice to sleep in his room. I miss him so much, and we have still yet to get a phone call. I suppose I should stop getting overly excited waiting for a phone call every night, but I can't help myself. Tip for the day: Go out and have some fun, it will keep your mind off the things that make you said.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Day 7 of bootcamp

Well, it's been a week and still no word from Matt. As I was starting to think that he would simply not call at all, the website connected to Fort Jackson posted pictures of soldiers making phone calls. I swear I saw the back of Matt's head! The women running the site informed me that they were not all finished and at around 7:00pm they started making calls again. I got so excited and nervous I thought I was going to puke! I miss Matt so much, and all I want is to hear his voice. So, I waited, and waited, and waited. No phone call tonight. Of course, my reaction was to cry and think about how much I missed him. That went on for a while, and then I finally sucked it up. I finished my letter to him, and now after writing this I will shower and head off to bed. You can also bet your butt I will be waiting by the phone tomorrow night too. The women said there were around 60 soldiers waiting to call, and maybe they didn't finish tonight. I can't imagine he won't get to call. I wonder if I am annoying these women with all of my questions, but I can't help but be concerned. The  man is my whole world, and he's constantly on my mind. Wish us luck on a phone call tomorrow!
Advice of the day, suck it up and continue to wait. As Matt said before he left "Hurry up and wait", and that is just what I will do.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Day 6 of bootcamp

It's almost been a week now, still not any easier. I feel stronger and stronger as the days go by though, and while doing some research I found a facebook page linked to where Matt is at for BCT! I figured out his company and even found some pictures of him! I ended up crying from being so happy and excited. I miss him so much and it was great to be able to see him - especially in that uniform :). We still haven't received that first phone call home yet, and his mom and I are wondering if we ever will. I saw on their page that they were able to make phone calls, so I'm wondering if Matt didn't get the chance, or if he just doesn't want to. Luckily I'm able to laugh at the fact that he just might be that stubborn not to call. I love him regardless. Today I stopped by Matt's house and hung out with the family for a couple hours. It was so nice to be able to talk to his mom about what is going on. The rest of the week I will be staying pretty busy, and I am so excited for the week to go by fast! Also on the website I found out the family day and graduation day! We have about 2 months and a couple days to go. I'm so happy and excited that I now know the date! I'm still waiting on a letter from Matt, so that I can send him all of mine (also wondering if he will send me one of those). I guess we will just see what happens! I'm not so worried anymore after seeing the pictures and knowing he's alright and safe. Tip for the day: Go see family - it helps :)

Here are some pictures: Awesome right?!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Day 5 of boot camp

I can't believe it has only been five days. It seems like it has been so much longer than that. I think we should be receiving the first phone call from Matt soon.. Maybe even tomorrow! I hope I get to talk to him, but if he calls home instead that's fine too. I just want the comfort of knowing he's alright and everything is fine. The day went by fast,  I watched two movies and a couple episodes of SVU and suddenly it was dark. I like when days go by fast. I haven't been too sad today, thankfully. I wasn't in a good mood, but I wasn't sad. I got in touch with a fellow Army fiance last night. Her fiance left Monday, the day before Matt. She informed me that today she got her first phone call from her fiance! I am so happy for her, and it makes me happy knowing we should definitely hear from Matt soon! I don't have much to say about today considering I didn't do much of anything today. So, I will go on to my tip of the day. Try out following a group that is similar to your situation on the internet. I liked a page on facebook, and have found a lot of comfort in seeing that others are going through the same thing as I am. I even made a new friend whose situation is extremely similar to mine! Keep strong and positive!

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Day 4 of boot camp

The beginning of my day started off a little rough, I ended up taking a 30 minute cat nap and when I woke up the first thing I laid eyes on was a picture of Matt and I hanging on my wall. That ended up turning my whole day around! It's funny how he can make me feel better even when I haven't spoken to him or seen him for days. Maybe that's a sign that we're just meant to be :). The rest of the day I have been relatively happy and positive. I keep thinking of how happy I will be when I finally get to see Matt and how happy he will hopefully be too haha! I'm sure I'll have more rough days, but I really love this positive feeling I have right now! I constantly think of Matt, but instead of focusing on how much I miss him, I focused on how much I love him, and how much he loves me. I feel like I say this a lot, but this is only for a short period of time, and it will definitely benefit us in the future. I keep saying this because I keep thinking it and it makes me feel a whole lot better to say it (or type it)! I continue writing him letters, and I will hopefully get to send them soon depending on if he wants to during boot camp or not. I sure hope he does though!! I don't really know about a tip for the day... maybe, take a nap? or better yet, don't focus on your loneliness and how much you miss your significant other, but try and only think happy thoughts about how much you love them and how much they love you!

Friday, March 8, 2013

Day 3 of boot camp

Today is definitely no easier, maybe the worst so far. I am so used to seeing Matt every weekend after a long stressful week, and it hit me today that I can't. I can't even talk to him at all. I felt on the verge of tears all day long, and I was finally free to let it out tonight. That made me feel better, I definitely don't think it's good to keep feelings bottled up. I'm hoping to hear from Matt soon, maybe he will change his mind and send me a letter after all. I need it. I need to talk to my best friend. I can't even put into words how much I miss him, or maybe I just don't even want to try. I'm trying my best to be strong. This isn't forever, and Matt is far beyond worth the wait. But I just miss my best friend, and future hubby! I have to keep looking forward though, no matter how cloudy it may seem right now. This will only make us stronger! I love him so very much, and I hope he is remembering that while we are apart!
Tip of the day: don't keep your feelings bottled up.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Day 2 of bootcamp

I woke up for school a tad later than I hoped to today, got in a shower, and headed on my way. I got to my first class in time, then after that finished up a paper that I missed on Tuesday while I was at MEPS saying bye to Matt. All of my professors have been very understanding of my situation, it's great! My mood has been up and down today, but thankfully mostly up. For some reason I am staying positive today! - not that I'm complaining. While sitting in my History class I caught myself day dreaming of my future with Matt, and that put the first real smile of the day on my face. It felt good, and I felt happy. I quickly wrote in my second letter to Matt of this burst of happiness, and that made me even happier. I have about 2.5 years left of college if I can fit in the summer classes that I want. 2.5 years till I can graduate and go with Matt wherever the military takes him, unless it's a war zone. The thought of that makes me extremely happy, even while I'm missing him terribly. I'm completely head over heels in love with him, and I am so fortunate that he loves me too. I am one lucky lady, and I must never forget that during these next years. I am surprising myself today with my strength, but I think I owe some of that to Matt, since it is mostly the thought of our life together that is giving me this strength. It feels longer than 2 days that he's been gone, but then again the last time I really spent time with him was on Sunday. Yes, I got to see him for a short while on Monday and Tuesday, but it wasn't the same. I didn't get to talk to him whenever I wanted, or tell him I love him with a quick text randomly during the day. I miss being able to do that. I send him several emails a day, that he may never read, but it makes me feel better to be able to write down whatever I'm thinking and send it to him. On top of the emails I am continuing to write daily letters. Both are definitely helping me to handle this better. On my way home from school I stopped by Weis (my old work) to pick up some nails so that I can finally hang a photo collage of Matt and I's trip to Philly. While there I got to see a few familiar faces, and received a warm hug from my old manager - now she's a friend instead of a manger. I needed a hug today, but I'm not the affectionate type. Well I am, but I'm not good at expressing it. It's always easy to express my feelings with Matt though, that's something I love about him. I always feel awkward when saying "I love you" or giving hugs or kisses, but never with Matt! I suppose I will wrap up this post with some advice for the day.
When feeling sad - think of the future and how happy you will be when you see your loved one again! No matter how long you have to go, whether it be months, a year, or more - it is nothing compared to forever! Matt reminded me of this before he left, this time apart is nothing compared to spending forever together. Stay positive :)

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Day one of boot camp.

Alrighty, day one.
Matt was scheduled to leave Monday 3/4, but for some reason they took him away for some last minute tests, and by the time he got back it was too late for him to leave. We sat with him for a little in the cafeteria and I found out when he gets back from AIT, he will have 10 days at most to spend with us. That was a killer. I immediately started crying, because I thought we'd have way more time than that considering he will be gone for so long already. This is all just part of the life, and I calmed down and reminded myself of that when I got home. The next day, Tuesday, we headed back up to Fort Meade for Matt's official departure. I don't think I've waited so long for something so short in my whole life, and the worst part was that while we were waiting in the main lobby, Matt was waiting in the room across from us and we couldn't see him or talk to him. After he swore in we got to eat lunch with him and talk with him for a little over 30 minutes. It wasn't nearly long enough, though. After that he headed back into that little room, and his mom and I sat and waited again for almost an hour. We watched him as he walked out to grab his bag, and then back into the room. Shortly after they called over the announcements for all to stand as the new shippers headed out. We all stood and watched as our loved ones walked out the door. I got a quick hug and kiss as Matt walked by. With tears running down my face I reminded him that I loved him. This is even making me tear up as I write. Anyways, he walked out the door towards the buses and we followed behind. I could see him scanning the crowd for our faces, so I waved my hands up high and he finally saw us. We stood on the sidewalk as the buses drove by and we waved to each other one last time. His mother and I slowly  made our way back to the car and off we went back home. This brings me to day one.
 How have I dealt so far? I've pigged out and watched a movie until I got too tired to keep my eyes open any longer. Maybe that's not the best thing to do, but I did it any ways. I woke up this morning, grabbed my school things, and my laundry, and headed up the stairs. I began writing my first letter to Matt. I wrote all about the snow and other things, and as the day goes on I will add more. He said before that he didn't want to write letters during boot camp, but whether I receive a letter or not I will continue writing them every day, and he will just get to read them all whenever it's possible :) I plan to spend the rest of today doing school work I missed yesterday and watching movies on and off. I wouldn't mind if FCC (my community college) decided to cancel schools tomorrow too, because I could definitely use the down time.
I miss Matt so much already, I think it is 100% impossible to get him off my mind at all, but that's fine with me. Some say it's best not to think of what makes you sad, but thinking of him makes me feel better. I know he's thinking of me too.
My advice so far would be to keep doing your normal daily activities, while relaxing and keeping calm. Start writing letters ASAP! It feels like you're actually talking to them. Don't forget he misses you just as much as you miss him!

Sunday, March 3, 2013

One day until official departure

Matt's family and I dropped Matt off at the recruiters office in Frederick today. From there he will be driven to a hotel, and around 9 AM tomorrow morning his family and I will drive up to the MEPS center to say our final goodbyes until we see him again at his graduation some time in May. I got a little teary eyed when saying goodbye, but nothing too bad. We found out that we will have a family day on a Wednesday to spend time with Matt, then his graduation will be on Thursday. The man at the office said that when he graduated his family was able to spend the rest of the weekend with him until Sunday, and that is when Matt will have to check in for his AIT training. So, I'm hoping Matt will be able to do the same. His mom held my hand on the way back to the car and off we went back home. I still don't think it has hit me yet that he's really leaving, and frankly I'm fine with that for now. I hate feeling sad, but I guess that's a little part of this new life, and that's just something I'll learn to deal with and handle better as time goes by.